Just for today..

I've always set my goals high..my expectations of my capabilities above that of the common people and dreamt big. I was different, had always been different. All those naysayers that had plagued my life since young knew I was different. I was the "scheming one". Yes I was and I always knew my next 3 moves before I made my first. I knew the chain of causation and played it to my best advantage. 

This is how I've lived my life. Every step I took, I calculated and along the way, I had to alter my dreams/aspirations, due to certain decisions made either due to my own inadequacies or situational reasons beyond my control. However I always came up with new moves to bring me back on to the ultimate path, the one path that would lead me out of this mundane life. Today I am humbled, I was far more stuck in this quicksand than I chose to believe and this common life that I resented with my entire being, had slowly yet surely, become my everything.

I've been dealt with the sad truth of how small my world had gotten and far away I actually am from where I had dreamt I'd be. What did I do wrong along the way? I have yet to find the answer, so today just for today, let me wallow in self-pity. Let me lament at how meaningless my life had become. Let me hate being alive and Let me indulge in the darkness and let it swallow me whole. 

And tomorrow I will put on my brave front again, don my battle regalia, devise a new war strategy and press on.