Hurt

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

- The lyrics of a NIN song so aptly named Hurt.

I have a mangled knot in my chest today. Feelings of anguish, torment and despair, accumulate into this great big ugly mess. On this sleepless night, as I sat at the balcony musing, I realised that its not about shutting the door and discarding the key. Such naive thoughts would never free me from this prison I've lived in all this while.

If I could simplify this matter, maybe I would say that the 2 main cause for all this weakness is Empathy and Expectation. I have way too much of the former for those around me, such that the latter plagues me with oh so futile dreams of someone having some in exchange for myself.

Tonight I peer through those cracked rose-tinted glasses, wishing and hoping. Once again I am but a hopeless fool wishing for a dream that will never be.