Anger

Feel it stew and bubble within me...as the pressure escalates within me. Witness all of its glory as it culminates into one explosive outburst, as it tears out of my soul. Relief is brief as the red mist begins to dissipate, but despair soon follows as regret begins its dance around me.

Anger today came in the form of one little place tucked high up in a building located on one busy road named Cantonment. It is now 2 months past the initial deadline and yet even now, the idea of completion remains far-fetched. Perhaps setting a timeline such as "moving in - December" isn't that frivolous at all.

The culprit is the Interior Designer. Oh how she embodies the saying. "Pay peanuts and you will get monkeys". Multiple MIAs, numerous shoddy excuses and plenty of surfing trips later, I have kind of forgotten why we even went with her in the first place.

Unfortunately the Target was him. After many hurtful exchanges, several spiteful tears and a shouting match later. The throbbing in my head serves as a painful reminder. I had vented my anger at the wrong person again.

As I sit here with that nagging pain in my head, watching regret do a perfect pirouette before me...I am thinking.... !@#$%^ bitch!!!

And so he told me...

Pointing to a shoe in the display unit, "tomorrow when I grow up, I will buy the blue shoe for you", my soon to be 3 yr old nephew said to me.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

等価交換

人は何かの犠牲なしに何も得る事などできないのだから......

Do you believe in equivalent trade? The law of conservation? That whatever you lose, you gain something else of equal value for it and likewise whatever you gain, whether you are aware of it or not, you lost something in exchange.

I am waiting for a phone call, an opportunity to be exact. I am looking for a way back into my original path, the one that I had somehow strayed away from. I want it so bad and yet at the same time, the cruel voice in the back of my mind tells me the game's long over and I know that he's right.

As I spend another sleepless night listening to the voice remind me over and over again abt my failures, this law of equivalent trade came to mind.

But the law can't work can it? Have you ever experienced working so hard towards one goal and yet suffer failure at the end? Where was the promised pot of gold? How is it that 2 people going through the same war path wind up with 1 being the victor and the other the vanquished? How did 1 win and another lose when both gave their all?

Where is the equivalent trade in that then?

In a world of self-centered individuals, this rule can never be comprehended. Why? We will only be focused on our own gains or losses, failing to note that for this law to work, it has to encompass the larger world in which we occupy. It is your failure that allowed for the other party to succeed.

But there will never be true altruism. I am not capable of such noble thoughts. I want to be that victor. I want it all.

As I attempt to swallow my defeat, switch off my tear ducts...he ruffles my hair and tells me "sweetie, you have me..how bad can life be?Quit if that will make you smile again. Don't you know that by now? That I will always support you."

I come to slowly comprehend.. maybe He is here for me and that is my equivalent trade. I found my soulmate and in exchange my career is just one big mess.

何かを得るには同等の代価が必要だから夢が叶う為に,君は何かの犠牲にするんだ?

私の答えはもし私の夢が叶う為に君を犠牲にしなければ、なら私一生夢を叶わないを選んで.

I block out the evil voice attempting to scare me with more negative what Ifs...and let sleep overcome me. Tomorrow will be better..it has to.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Negativity breeds negativity

If there is ever a prize for the most negative vibes that can be emitted from a human being, I am quite certain that my parents will definitely be on the nominee list vying for the title. Honestly, they have the natural talent to turn a truly innocent action/event and make it out to be the a "OH! God forbid!" one. I am not kidding. They really see the world as a cup half filled, no wait, that is not true, they see the cup as not filled and some bloody idiot spilled the rest on the floor. I could write a book on all their negative comments, from as little as the song playing in my car, virtually anything I say/do and of cos' the clothes I wear(..Oh that would be a chapter on its own!).

So now you see where I get my pessimism from? The best thing is they have knack for making you feel guilty. They always make me feel like crap regretting everything I said or done. Classic case in point, I am late picking them up and the next text I get is :" not going already la! I am tired. dun wanna go is it? Dan I change already?"

And so when I reach my boiling point and I rant at them, they just have the perfect retaliation. And I am sorry to say that I am truly a sucker for that.

I finally am a step closer to getting married and the whole thing is starting to wear me down already. Ever since I told them that I would be having black on my gown, they haven't let up on the nagging. I got super pissed off when they started telling me about a friend of a friend whom I seriously doubt exists. Anyway the story was, the bride wore black and the groom died within the year. My blood pressure shot up! How could they do this to me? Its just not fair. I told him about it and him being my anchor in this mad world that I live in, told me this, "What about the bride who wore white and they both died in a plane crash?"

Black is bad only if you think it is. Negativity breeds negativity! This is ridiculous and I will not tolerate any more remarks about my gown, my choice of colors or the flowers. Its my wedding for god's sake! Why make must you always make me feel bad for wanting to do things my way.

And the best thing is they actually went to rally the support of my sis. Traitor!

I found my resolve when I was toying with the idea of using black roses, never knew if they existed as a work of nature or man. So I went to wiki it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_rose_(symbolism)

To quote the page, In the language of flowers, black roses taken to signify death or farewell BUT because a black rose is virtually impossible to procure, it can also mean pure love. A black rose can also mean rebirth, though lesser known.

So my conclusion is black is only bad if you think it is, and I don't. Though I know if something bad were to happen, they would pounce on the opportunity like a kitten would on catnip, to make me regret not having listened to them. Sigh~

Breaking up with 2009

And I am glad its over. 2009 wasn't the best time of my life. I wasn't in my best form for most part of the year. Made one life-changing decision and lived through the consequences. Finally had some time to myself and then maybe too much. New experiences which money can never buy and conversely no money to buy experiences I would have liked. Excitement at receiving the keys to my own pad but shudder at the prospect of getting married. Right down to the last few days of 2009, it was hiccups galore. Received a fine on the 30th, missed the plane on the 31st. Yeah, we did it again. We were supposed to take the plane up to KL on the 31st morning. It was a 620am flight (Now we know, NEVER book morning flights) either way we decided against our better judgement to take a nap. But oh god forbid, the iPhone alarm failed us. Actually he didn't set it, still not used to the new phone I guess. We got a rude shock when we woke at 530am. Of all the people to call, Ed chose to call the brother. Needless to mention, he didn't hear the phone. Desperate Ed called again but at 520 and that was when the brother rushed into our room to wake us. We flew out of the house but alas we were too late and the plane left without us. As we sat in the car, slowly taking in our predicament, he contemplated driving in. To which i protested vehemently! Hell No! I would never take that risk, not with my baby. The car was way too conspicuous and what's worse with a Singapore Plate, we would be like a flashing neon signboard waiting for trouble to happen. In the end, we decided to hitch a coach up and so we headed for Golden Mile. Along the way we spotted one rather posh coach and stopped to ask. Well we winded up with a lesser one cos the luxurious coach was full. However the ride was good, for $40 bucks we had a huge leather chair with massaging controls and they even served us food(Pastamania) and drinks along the way. There was even TV to watch, albeit boring flicks. The coach was old but I wasn't about to complain. I had a rough morning, stemming from the lack of sleep, I threw up 2 times and I just needed to crash. The traffic was smooth and there was no jam. The ride took approximately 5hrs. I woke up intermittently, like when he shook me, concerned that there was food and we weren't getting any. Like hell I cared!!!

Its 2pm and we are finally in KL!! Refreshed from the rest we got on the coach, we braved the hot sun and began the hike to our hotel, unwilling to be fleeced by the KL cabbies. And he, equipped with the GPS app on his iPhone declared that the distance was walkable. Yeah technically, everywhere is walkable my dear, just how far only right? But I had to admit, the distance was doable, it was just the sun that I had something against. We met up, dumped our bags and headed out for shopping, what else. We split from the guys so we could concentrate on our shopping. In the first mall, I managed to snag a few pairs of shoes from vincci and we even did a very singaporean auntie thing. Vincci was having 20% sale for members, so...we approached the lady ahead of us in the queue and borrowed her card. Muahahaha I love it when I get a good deal. We were late in meeting up with the boys (as usual), we continued some more shopping at Times Square. I bought more clothes...and boy were they cheap!

We split from the rest of the gang, cos' in my haste to get out of the house, I did not pack any long pants for him. And we were going to party after dinner. So I took him shopping. Boys have it easy, we bought a snazzy pair of pants for him in the very first shop we went into.

Pants? Check! Dress? Check! It was time to head back to the hotel to doll ourselves up for the partying at night. I was running on reserve energy by then. Having not had anything since morning. At that time, my dear boy whipped out his iPhone again and started checking the map. EVEN I knew how to get back to the hotel without the blasted application. ARRggghhh!! I gave him hell. When we finally got back, he kept rushing me and I was done even before the rest were....Fumed~ 830pm and we were all ready to leave for the highlight of the trip: the pork ribs. Actually the sole purpose for the trip, hahaha. The ribs were good but somehow not as good as the other time. After a satisfying meal, we started back to the hotel to offload the doggy bag. It was 11:50 when we finally got to KLCC. There was a massive jam cos everyone was waiting for the fireworks. So we decided to get off and wait as well. The crowds of people was staggering. 12:00 am sharp and the fireworks started and we were on the wrong side!!! Ugh last year we had to watch it off reflections on the buildings and this year we improved...slightly, we watched them between the 2 towers of KLCC.

Helloo 2010!!

So 2010 arrived while we were on the streets in KL. A refreshing change from all the hotel rooms. After the fireworks were over and the crowds started dispersing, we made our way to a club and so did a million other people. The place was overflowing with people. KL is probably 10 times too overpopulated. Ugh~

The last time I partied was something like 2004! And so needless to say, after a few hours of being treaded on, elbowed and pushed, we called it a night. Man were we bushed, I had to force him to shower. By the time I was done, he was snoring. I blew dry my hair, packed the bags and concussed myself.

1/1/10 was more shopping and I truly spent every single last dollar we had. OOPs~ When we got to the airport, the souvenir shop was closing. We rushed in and happily picked out our stuff. Only to realise to our horror that they had done their credit card closing and being lazy buggers that they are, they refused to switch the blasted machine back on. I had to forgo almost all my stuff. We had to wait for another half hour cos' of the rainy weather, our plane was delayed. It was way past midnight by the time I landed. I was dead tired.

That was the end of my 2009 and Yes!! I am glad 2009 is finally over. Let's start 2010 with a bang! So I said and my parents gladly complied....

I am not upset that they damaged my baby but rather I am cheesed that they didn't call me when it happened. What were they thinking? We would have been able to advise them on what to do and not do. Instead they attempted to resolve it themselves which needless to say, they messed up. I wonder had they thought we would have scolded them?I admit I do not have the best temper in the world but I am reasonable and they matter much more. Either way, its done and past. Its 2010 and I can only hope...this year will be better.

Wedding Jitters

I finally got the keys to my house! After a long wait, 5 years to be exact, its here and we need to get married! OMG~ and I dun even know where to begin. Me being the practical old me, I only see the stress parts like who to do hair, makeup, decorate the car.....what to wear and not to mention lose weight!!!Ugh~ what a hassle.

Lucky for me, my parents have given up on me so I get to keep the wedding small. I am thinking of a church wedding and a small reception amongst friends and family. However the word family sends small shivers down my spine. Will I need to invite the now-estranged family members on my mother's side? People I have not met since the time the millennium bug threaten to do us all in? Sigh....would they even bother or worst bother to come but pull the longest face ever? I would like to say whatever...but I can think of a million other scenarios where my 2 favorite persons can ruin this special day for me. Like what's new right?

The clears

I've got a few things thought out...notice the key word "few". I know that I will be going to Japan to take some wedding pictures, cos' its the sakura season and it will be the first time I am seeing it so I wanna capture the moment. I will rent a kimono there and doll myself up like a Japanese chick. Prob will have to go to a salon to do the hair and makeup though. The only thing now is getting the leave that I have planned for. There is this bitch in my office who is vying for the same dates as me. !@#$%^ pissed off!

I also have checked with the church I want to get married in, they have said ok BUT the date we are looking at is a sunday!!! and they dun do sunday weddings OMG~ I think that church is amazingly beautiful so I am torn between changing the date and not using the church. On another note, they are money-making organisations!!! Everything has a price tag to it. Sigh....but the church is the only way I know how to go. Anywhere else just won't feel like a wedding to me lo.

And the Blurs

Oh the music for the wedding. That draws a blank for me. I mean he and I both have decided on what our funeral song will be. But wedding song??!!!

Another worry on top of my list is the gown! I initially wanted a short flirty dress but he kindly reminded me of my not so flattering legs...so its the long gown for me. I just hope I do not trip and fall on my way down the aisle. I asked him if I could have skulls on the dress hahahah....he said not to push it and give my parents one more opportunity to ruin this for me. But I am not giving in on the black details, that much I have decided.

The next on my list is the decoration of the car. How and who...eludes me...

I almost forgot about my makeup and hair...but I think I should consider the gown and the look I am after first huh?

Not forgetting the magazine idea we had for our wedding pictures. I need ideas, drawings and PICTURES!!! Ugh

These are the things I actually thought about but I believe there are plenty others that haven't even crossed my mind.

Amidst all the worries, I find myself looking forward to the day. I've never been the sort who wanted marriage. Afterall I am contented with the way things are. But marriage is inevitable for us at least given that the house is here. Right now...I wished we got married this year while I had all the time in the world. Sigh....Oh I forget...amidst all these there is the renovation of the house to worry about as well....Ugh~

I am a well-fed baby!

That was what he cheerfully exclaimed the other day....i chuckled and thought to myself "yeah Fat too..."

Wednesday nights equals soccer nights, this means Dinnertime will always start at 1am. I was grumbling while chewing on a piece of chicken, how susceptible I am to heart disease, given that both my parents have it and this lifestyle is not helping the fact. He simply said, "Just take it we are living in India lor, different timezone!" Arrrggghhh~

Anyway these are pictures of our dinner last night and lunch today.

Dubious Chicken Marinate

Result

Who doesn't love fried food?

Had some egg white & yolk left from the previous dish,

here's where it went.

Begedil (My favourite!)

Lunch the next day,

Thou Shall Not Waste Food

Onigiri and Chicken

Handy Sauce Containers from Daiso!

(He cannot live without his Ketchup)

Mine! Looks the same as yesterdays?!

Can't see it but the Ham costs $30 per 100g.

Its Ah-Taz ham!

Lets get our daily dosage of Greens & Fruits!!

Experimenting with Recipes albeit with little success

Lunch today was Begedil, one of my favourite malay food. As with all other recipes, I never followed it. To make full use of the potatoes that I bought so as to not waste the already sparse space in our fridge, I also made potato salad. I actually used my arch-enemy vegetable, The Celery.

Anticipate......

Tadah~

Japanese Cucumbers, Garlic & Herb Bread and Cheese.

And so lunch was served. ごちそうさまでした!!

Experimenting with Recipes

I've always been cooking based on instinct, adding and mixing according to whatever's available and my mood. I was suddenly inspired to try cooking with recipes. So I did my homework on the net and I even bought a bento cookbook. I was confident that I would replicate exactly the dish in the pictures.

Happily, I dragged him to Giant last night, and we filled up the shopping cart like we were preparing for a famine to strike the next day. Conclusion: Never go to a supermarket when you are hungry....tsk tsk tsk

When we got home, our packing skills were put to a test, our current fridge is too small! We had a hard time stuffing our spoils into the fridge! We definitely need a bigger fridge for the new house.

Anyway, I managed to get all the ingredients that was mentioned in the various recipes I had decided on. So I got down to preparing the food, reciting to myself quietly how much of what to add. However somehow along the way, my free-spirited nature kicked it and I was adding and mixing stuff according to how I feel again! *Gasp*

He asked me dubiously when I threw in some lime into the marinate, "Was that in the recipe?"

Anyway, here are some shots of my latest cooking exploits.

Beef Burger Patties

Dinner at 1:07 in the morning (Spot the clock in the background)

No thanks to him for knocking off so late once again, he will literally be the death of me.

ぶう--- Muahahaha~

Oh~ this made me laugh til' I cried man!

Oblivious

I was at the cross junction earlier, waiting for the green arrow to make a right turn, this was when I spotted a cow printed dog trotting DIAGONALLY across the road. That brave little guy completely oblivious of the buses and cars around him, looked almost too happy. As if certain that the cars would stop for him, he actually stopped to deal with a probably unbearable itch right smack in the middle of the cross junction. I was bewildered. When the arrows turned green, cars and buses on the opposite making a left turn, held their positions for he was in their path. No one sounded the honk, probably because everyone was just simply bemused by the fact that a dog was crossing the road DIAGONALLY and actually is scratching himself right in the middle of a busy traffic junction. I turned to the car next to me and we exchanged amused looks, as the little guy, satisfied after a bout of vigorous scratching got up and continued trotting along. He almost didn't make it for a L plate driver from the opposite road and going straight was completely befuddled by the sight of a dog crossing the road, stepped on the accelerator instead of the brakes!

Probably that was the only moment in which he finally had some sense of anxiety, as he made a sprint for the pavement. Once on the other side, he happily trotted out of sight, once again oblivious. What a dog....

Stage Antics

I went to my niece's school for a concert today. I was so proud of my little sweetheart as she strutted out with 3 other friends. She was actually the emcee for her section! Yeah yeah I am biases and I know it full well but what to do? She's my one and only niece. And she was absolutely adorable in her little pink frock. As her entire class sashayed unto the stage, I singled her out immediately. In my excitement I sprang out of my seat and started waving to her like an idiot. I seriously believed that she would spot me. Yeah I failed to realise that I was probably not visible to her...being somewhere at the back of the auditorium among a sea of doting parents~. Well she gave me no sign of acknowledgement.....

Either way...in that moment my heart was so full of emotions..mostly bursting with pride. I had a sudden urge to go shake some unsuspecting parent and brag about my niece. I was so glad that I had a chance to witness her,standing on the stage dancing and shining so brightly like a star. When she came on again later for another section, I snatched a vantage point and was right infront of the stage armed with the video camera, waving excitedly once again.

Once again she stared at me blankly...did she see me? She probably was trying not to associate herself with this bumbling idiot of an adult. She was stone-faced as she executed her moves with the awkwardness of a little toy robot. She was perfect, errrrmmm...minus the moments that she spent picking her nose, scratching her head or tugging at her shorts from the front AND the back. Sigh~ So unglamorous!!

Ahhhhhh~, she was amazing! I am so proud of her. Once again, this little joy I have, adds to my list of positive things, for which its only now that I get to witness and enjoy.

最近、生きたいと思うようになった。

これまでの人生、私はあまり生きたくなかった。別に明日死んでもいいじゃん。。。私はかまわないし、世界が消滅してもよいと思っていた。でも最近自分の中に何が変ったみたい、始めて私は生きているのはよかったと思うになった。其れで 明日世界が消えて無くなるのは嫌だと思うようになった。何が変った, 私はさっぱりわからない。たぶん１つの理由は仕事を辞めたから。。。已前の私は毎日毎日残業しなければならないと毎日迚も疲れるだからこそ私は気が滅入った。今の私はお金が寡いかも知れないけれど毎日は愉快だ。この情態は続いてしないのではないかと思うだから私は今を生きるそう決めた。

Culinary Exploits through artistic lenses

酢豚(すぶた)

English Translation: Lee Ruby's Sweet & Sour Pork

Now doesn't this look cafe menu worthy? This was just a simple recipe that sis's maid briefly ran through with me. While I am absolutely against that picture of me that was used, I have to admit that this looks great. Afterall artsy people do see things differently.

By the way, Lee ruby is my nickname one of their customers gave me and that picture can be seen on my facebook, just look for the one that has the longest comment thread...and its not for a good reason.....ugh~

Hurt

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

- The lyrics of a NIN song so aptly named Hurt.

I have a mangled knot in my chest today. Feelings of anguish, torment and despair, accumulate into this great big ugly mess. On this sleepless night, as I sat at the balcony musing, I realised that its not about shutting the door and discarding the key. Such naive thoughts would never free me from this prison I've lived in all this while.

If I could simplify this matter, maybe I would say that the 2 main cause for all this weakness is Empathy and Expectation. I have way too much of the former for those around me, such that the latter plagues me with oh so futile dreams of someone having some in exchange for myself.

Tonight I peer through those cracked rose-tinted glasses, wishing and hoping. Once again I am but a hopeless fool wishing for a dream that will never be.

Questions in my head

I went to bed with questions in my head,
Questions that keep rolling about in my head.

All these questions in my head
Why do they keep pounding in my head
Tell me where is the place I should next head?
And why am I here and not there instead?

Always know your end game before you raise your hand I said.
Yet now I doubt if my initial move was even correctly played.
Stop looking at me this way, I did not mean to become so useless these days
I didn't expect to become a burden today and I was meant for greater things I said.
Yet all I can see now is a path that's shrouded in grey.

I woke today with those same questions in my head
All these questions just keep tearing away

I keep asking what if I had done THAT instead.
they keep replaying all those scenes in my head,
I can't stand the repeating of those words that were said
they won't stop drilling into my head
they're driving me nuts get out of my head!

How do I solve all those questions in my head...
Can anyone show me why am I here today, because I woke up feeling so tired instead
Can you tell me what is the next move to make, I am so done guessing in vain.
I lost the courage to move forward today, so ANYone just tell me what should I do now instead.

Behind closed doors

You asked me today if I did not care about the both of you anymore. I felt a prick of conscience in that moment. I searched but could not find the right words, they hung at the tip my tongue yet they were not forthcoming, afterall I knew you would not understand. And I just cannot say it straight, not without having tears well up in my eyes.

This is the problem, the only way I know how to deal with this spiderweb of problems is to shut it out, close the door behind me and throw away the key. I hate it that the only way I know how to deal with this is to think "watever" and keep walking.

Because any other way, I will continue to be ensnared within, thrashing about in vain...constantly berating myself and asking why.

Why is it that...I cannot save you, why is it that I can only watch as you slowly sink deeper into the quicksand. Why can't you see for yourself, that the one most hurt is yourself?

I hate it but I cannot save you...I cannot solve your problems...I simply do not know how.