Wedding Jitters

I finally got the keys to my house! After a long wait, 5 years to be exact, its here and we need to get married! OMG~ and I dun even know where to begin. Me being the practical old me, I only see the stress parts like who to do hair, makeup, decorate the car.....what to wear and not to mention lose weight!!!Ugh~ what a hassle.

Lucky for me, my parents have given up on me so I get to keep the wedding small. I am thinking of a church wedding and a small reception amongst friends and family. However the word family sends small shivers down my spine. Will I need to invite the now-estranged family members on my mother's side? People I have not met since the time the millennium bug threaten to do us all in? Sigh....would they even bother or worst bother to come but pull the longest face ever? I would like to say whatever...but I can think of a million other scenarios where my 2 favorite persons can ruin this special day for me. Like what's new right?

The clears

I've got a few things thought out...notice the key word "few". I know that I will be going to Japan to take some wedding pictures, cos' its the sakura season and it will be the first time I am seeing it so I wanna capture the moment. I will rent a kimono there and doll myself up like a Japanese chick. Prob will have to go to a salon to do the hair and makeup though. The only thing now is getting the leave that I have planned for. There is this bitch in my office who is vying for the same dates as me. !@#$%^ pissed off!

I also have checked with the church I want to get married in, they have said ok BUT the date we are looking at is a sunday!!! and they dun do sunday weddings OMG~ I think that church is amazingly beautiful so I am torn between changing the date and not using the church. On another note, they are money-making organisations!!! Everything has a price tag to it. Sigh....but the church is the only way I know how to go. Anywhere else just won't feel like a wedding to me lo.

And the Blurs

Oh the music for the wedding. That draws a blank for me. I mean he and I both have decided on what our funeral song will be. But wedding song??!!!

Another worry on top of my list is the gown! I initially wanted a short flirty dress but he kindly reminded me of my not so flattering legs...so its the long gown for me. I just hope I do not trip and fall on my way down the aisle. I asked him if I could have skulls on the dress hahahah....he said not to push it and give my parents one more opportunity to ruin this for me. But I am not giving in on the black details, that much I have decided.

The next on my list is the decoration of the car. How and who...eludes me...

I almost forgot about my makeup and hair...but I think I should consider the gown and the look I am after first huh?

Not forgetting the magazine idea we had for our wedding pictures. I need ideas, drawings and PICTURES!!! Ugh

These are the things I actually thought about but I believe there are plenty others that haven't even crossed my mind.

Amidst all the worries, I find myself looking forward to the day. I've never been the sort who wanted marriage. Afterall I am contented with the way things are. But marriage is inevitable for us at least given that the house is here. Right now...I wished we got married this year while I had all the time in the world. Sigh....Oh I forget...amidst all these there is the renovation of the house to worry about as well....Ugh~

I am a well-fed baby!

That was what he cheerfully exclaimed the other day....i chuckled and thought to myself "yeah Fat too..."

Wednesday nights equals soccer nights, this means Dinnertime will always start at 1am. I was grumbling while chewing on a piece of chicken, how susceptible I am to heart disease, given that both my parents have it and this lifestyle is not helping the fact. He simply said, "Just take it we are living in India lor, different timezone!" Arrrggghhh~

Anyway these are pictures of our dinner last night and lunch today.

Dubious Chicken Marinate

Result

Who doesn't love fried food?

Had some egg white & yolk left from the previous dish,

here's where it went.

Begedil (My favourite!)

Lunch the next day,

Thou Shall Not Waste Food

Onigiri and Chicken

Handy Sauce Containers from Daiso!

(He cannot live without his Ketchup)

Mine! Looks the same as yesterdays?!

Can't see it but the Ham costs $30 per 100g.

Its Ah-Taz ham!

Lets get our daily dosage of Greens & Fruits!!

Experimenting with Recipes albeit with little success

Lunch today was Begedil, one of my favourite malay food. As with all other recipes, I never followed it. To make full use of the potatoes that I bought so as to not waste the already sparse space in our fridge, I also made potato salad. I actually used my arch-enemy vegetable, The Celery.

Anticipate......

Tadah~

Japanese Cucumbers, Garlic & Herb Bread and Cheese.

And so lunch was served. ごちそうさまでした!!

Experimenting with Recipes

I've always been cooking based on instinct, adding and mixing according to whatever's available and my mood. I was suddenly inspired to try cooking with recipes. So I did my homework on the net and I even bought a bento cookbook. I was confident that I would replicate exactly the dish in the pictures.

Happily, I dragged him to Giant last night, and we filled up the shopping cart like we were preparing for a famine to strike the next day. Conclusion: Never go to a supermarket when you are hungry....tsk tsk tsk

When we got home, our packing skills were put to a test, our current fridge is too small! We had a hard time stuffing our spoils into the fridge! We definitely need a bigger fridge for the new house.

Anyway, I managed to get all the ingredients that was mentioned in the various recipes I had decided on. So I got down to preparing the food, reciting to myself quietly how much of what to add. However somehow along the way, my free-spirited nature kicked it and I was adding and mixing stuff according to how I feel again! *Gasp*

He asked me dubiously when I threw in some lime into the marinate, "Was that in the recipe?"

Anyway, here are some shots of my latest cooking exploits.

Beef Burger Patties

Dinner at 1:07 in the morning (Spot the clock in the background)

No thanks to him for knocking off so late once again, he will literally be the death of me.

ぶう--- Muahahaha~

Oh~ this made me laugh til' I cried man!

Oblivious

I was at the cross junction earlier, waiting for the green arrow to make a right turn, this was when I spotted a cow printed dog trotting DIAGONALLY across the road. That brave little guy completely oblivious of the buses and cars around him, looked almost too happy. As if certain that the cars would stop for him, he actually stopped to deal with a probably unbearable itch right smack in the middle of the cross junction. I was bewildered. When the arrows turned green, cars and buses on the opposite making a left turn, held their positions for he was in their path. No one sounded the honk, probably because everyone was just simply bemused by the fact that a dog was crossing the road DIAGONALLY and actually is scratching himself right in the middle of a busy traffic junction. I turned to the car next to me and we exchanged amused looks, as the little guy, satisfied after a bout of vigorous scratching got up and continued trotting along. He almost didn't make it for a L plate driver from the opposite road and going straight was completely befuddled by the sight of a dog crossing the road, stepped on the accelerator instead of the brakes!

Probably that was the only moment in which he finally had some sense of anxiety, as he made a sprint for the pavement. Once on the other side, he happily trotted out of sight, once again oblivious. What a dog....

Stage Antics

I went to my niece's school for a concert today. I was so proud of my little sweetheart as she strutted out with 3 other friends. She was actually the emcee for her section! Yeah yeah I am biases and I know it full well but what to do? She's my one and only niece. And she was absolutely adorable in her little pink frock. As her entire class sashayed unto the stage, I singled her out immediately. In my excitement I sprang out of my seat and started waving to her like an idiot. I seriously believed that she would spot me. Yeah I failed to realise that I was probably not visible to her...being somewhere at the back of the auditorium among a sea of doting parents~. Well she gave me no sign of acknowledgement.....

Either way...in that moment my heart was so full of emotions..mostly bursting with pride. I had a sudden urge to go shake some unsuspecting parent and brag about my niece. I was so glad that I had a chance to witness her,standing on the stage dancing and shining so brightly like a star. When she came on again later for another section, I snatched a vantage point and was right infront of the stage armed with the video camera, waving excitedly once again.

Once again she stared at me blankly...did she see me? She probably was trying not to associate herself with this bumbling idiot of an adult. She was stone-faced as she executed her moves with the awkwardness of a little toy robot. She was perfect, errrrmmm...minus the moments that she spent picking her nose, scratching her head or tugging at her shorts from the front AND the back. Sigh~ So unglamorous!!

Ahhhhhh~, she was amazing! I am so proud of her. Once again, this little joy I have, adds to my list of positive things, for which its only now that I get to witness and enjoy.

最近、生きたいと思うようになった。

これまでの人生、私はあまり生きたくなかった。別に明日死んでもいいじゃん。。。私はかまわないし、世界が消滅してもよいと思っていた。でも最近自分の中に何が変ったみたい、始めて私は生きているのはよかったと思うになった。其れで 明日世界が消えて無くなるのは嫌だと思うようになった。何が変った, 私はさっぱりわからない。たぶん１つの理由は仕事を辞めたから。。。已前の私は毎日毎日残業しなければならないと毎日迚も疲れるだからこそ私は気が滅入った。今の私はお金が寡いかも知れないけれど毎日は愉快だ。この情態は続いてしないのではないかと思うだから私は今を生きるそう決めた。

Culinary Exploits through artistic lenses

酢豚(すぶた)

English Translation: Lee Ruby's Sweet & Sour Pork

Now doesn't this look cafe menu worthy? This was just a simple recipe that sis's maid briefly ran through with me. While I am absolutely against that picture of me that was used, I have to admit that this looks great. Afterall artsy people do see things differently.

By the way, Lee ruby is my nickname one of their customers gave me and that picture can be seen on my facebook, just look for the one that has the longest comment thread...and its not for a good reason.....ugh~

Hurt

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

- The lyrics of a NIN song so aptly named Hurt.

I have a mangled knot in my chest today. Feelings of anguish, torment and despair, accumulate into this great big ugly mess. On this sleepless night, as I sat at the balcony musing, I realised that its not about shutting the door and discarding the key. Such naive thoughts would never free me from this prison I've lived in all this while.

If I could simplify this matter, maybe I would say that the 2 main cause for all this weakness is Empathy and Expectation. I have way too much of the former for those around me, such that the latter plagues me with oh so futile dreams of someone having some in exchange for myself.

Tonight I peer through those cracked rose-tinted glasses, wishing and hoping. Once again I am but a hopeless fool wishing for a dream that will never be.

Questions in my head

I went to bed with questions in my head,
Questions that keep rolling about in my head.

All these questions in my head
Why do they keep pounding in my head
Tell me where is the place I should next head?
And why am I here and not there instead?

Always know your end game before you raise your hand I said.
Yet now I doubt if my initial move was even correctly played.
Stop looking at me this way, I did not mean to become so useless these days
I didn't expect to become a burden today and I was meant for greater things I said.
Yet all I can see now is a path that's shrouded in grey.

I woke today with those same questions in my head
All these questions just keep tearing away

I keep asking what if I had done THAT instead.
they keep replaying all those scenes in my head,
I can't stand the repeating of those words that were said
they won't stop drilling into my head
they're driving me nuts get out of my head!

How do I solve all those questions in my head...
Can anyone show me why am I here today, because I woke up feeling so tired instead
Can you tell me what is the next move to make, I am so done guessing in vain.
I lost the courage to move forward today, so ANYone just tell me what should I do now instead.

Behind closed doors

You asked me today if I did not care about the both of you anymore. I felt a prick of conscience in that moment. I searched but could not find the right words, they hung at the tip my tongue yet they were not forthcoming, afterall I knew you would not understand. And I just cannot say it straight, not without having tears well up in my eyes.

This is the problem, the only way I know how to deal with this spiderweb of problems is to shut it out, close the door behind me and throw away the key. I hate it that the only way I know how to deal with this is to think "watever" and keep walking.

Because any other way, I will continue to be ensnared within, thrashing about in vain...constantly berating myself and asking why.

Why is it that...I cannot save you, why is it that I can only watch as you slowly sink deeper into the quicksand. Why can't you see for yourself, that the one most hurt is yourself?

I hate it but I cannot save you...I cannot solve your problems...I simply do not know how.

Lost

I look past my shoulder, at footprints upon a beaten track. As I stand alone, my mind questions...All those reasons and justifications I had seem to gather like this cartoon snowball racing downhill, pulling in scenes from each of my life-defining moment, gathering in size but merely pulled along by the momentum with no direction of its own. What may have started out with picture clear clarity has since lost all its lucidity. Amidst the distant rumbling, I start to question what next.

The sexy lady...

He told me this story the other day...when I was letting guilt overwhelm me again.

There was an old monk and a young monk travelling together. They came to the bank of a river and found that the bridge to be damaged and not accessible from their end. So they got into the river and began to wade across. Halfway through, they came across a sexy lady stranded on a part of the damaged bridge. She was wearing her expensive mink coat which couldn't get wet. Seeing this, the old monk offered to carry her across the river. The young monk was shocked "How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?" thought the young monk. But he kept quiet.

The old monk carried the sexy lady on his back and set her down on the opposite bank. The 2 monks then continued on their journey. Meanwhile the young monk continued to brood over the matter, all this while getting angrier. In his mind, he began to formulate all kinds of accusations towards the old monk.

Finally, at a rest point many hours and several miles later, the young monk could hold it no longer, he burst out angrily at the older monk. "How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very sexy? All your teachings to me have made me think of you as a big hypocrite."

The old monk looked surprised and said, "I had set down the sexy lady at the river bank many hours ago, why are you still carrying her along?" (At this point, my mind flitted briefly to the closing scene in the horror flick Shutter...where the ghost gal was sitting on the guy's shoulders...haha~ randomness at play)

What was he trying to tell me? In life there will be plenty of situations, people, places, things that will hurt us, make us unhappy, cause grief and incite anger. However after the moment has passed, if we do not forget about it and move on, these feelings will continue to haunt us and it will continue to hurt for as long as you allow it to.

Ever since I stopped working, I've seen a side of my parents I never wanted to acknowledge. From young somehow they always made me think that money can solve anything. But I've come to realise that they will never be happy (Tune in to later post on vicious cycles for the reason). So no matter what I do, how much effort I put in, how much guilt I place upon myself. They will not change. It must be not that bad for them to want to change I guess...so no matter how many times I beat myself up, they will still be the same. I cannot win...and I do not want to anymore.

Is BLACK really bad?

We started taking steps towards getting hitched. Okay, we move slow...really slow after all we're not exactly willing parties here. If not for the house, which would be ready soon, we would be contented to live out our lives like so. After all, marriage does not hold the same meaning to us, as most people.

So what was our first big step? We went to see a shifu (do they have an official title?) to get the auspicious date. Call me "puntang", but I truly believe that if it the stars and signs are right, even the heavens will wish for your happiness. Anyway the shifu was an interesting person and pretty famous to boot! When we gave his unit no. to the security guards at his block, they were like "Oh you're here to see the uncle! Congratulations!". However he spoke in mandarin ONLY!! Given his Fantastic grade in chinese and the fact that I am an Ang Moh Guntang, between us, we only understood at best 80% of the entire conversation. Lucky for us, he was rather modernized and had printed out a book of dates that were auspicious for the both of us, meaning we could use those days to move house, open companies and of cos get married. This came complete with english instructions on the customs for the actual wedding day which include things like me going to pluck grass and hiding treasure coins all around the house.

So what was the conclusion, we have the book now but we are still undecided on the actual date. Instead we have discussed other aspects of the wedding, keeping it as simple as possible. So no wedding dinner, just a small reception for close friends and family, a church ceremony and also our tabloid magazine. We are currently researching for content for the magazine and the type of photos we would like to take. I have absolutely no wish to take pictures of us staring into some fake sunset. This is simply just not us and besides I do not want pictures which would not bring a smile upon our faces as we reminisce our past.

I have been toying with the idea of using black for the wedding, given my obsession with the color(eg. Blog). I pictured the pews in the church decorated with black and white roses with lace and ribbons, my bridesmaids all decked out in black tube dresses with a single white rose one on each arm. I will walk down the aisle in my little white dress decorated with a smattering of small black flowers, holding a bouquet of black and white roses.

However I was unfortunately slapped back to reality from my reverie by violent objections from the family.. Is BLACK really that bad?

Not friendly ≠ UNfriendly

That position was not meant to be filled, at least not by you. I realise this selfish side of me is not ready to accept you. Just take heart in the fact that just because I do not like you does not mean I hate you. I am not friendly with you but I am not unfriendly to you. You can expect basic courtesy and that is all, don't encroach into my private space and keep your distance from me. I am just not ready to accept you, when will I be ready? I do not know but for now, don't make me spend time with you. Let me retreat into my little shell and pretend once again that you do not exist and that position remains unfilled.

I know I am being cryptic here, after all how much do you want someone else to know and worse how much do you want the target of your flaming to know? Lets leave this at that, I just needed to vent some frustration.

ひさしぶり

ひさしぶり Its been a while...since I last posted anything on this page. Having recently completed an anime series, I was left with a rather empty feeling. I always get this feeling when I complete one of my sob sob Japanese drama serials, having drained my emotions over several packets of tissues. However this is my first for an anime. While I was not sobbing throughout this series, there were moments when tears did well up in my eyes.

I downloaded this as part of an "equivalent trade" deal which I worked out with a fellow pirate. I was curious, what with all the rave about this series and all. I did my research and I was intrigued by all the positive comments over this series. I did my wiki search too, and the more I read the more I found myself counting down to the time the download was complete. However, He watched something like 3 episodes before condemning it, said it made him sleep. Well...I would have to admit, this anime is one of those which you either like or hate. I believe it was intentionally targeted for the die-hard romantics (a.k.a Me) and since it was an adaptation of a visual novel, likely those typical Japanese otakus, a.k.a. geeky, anti-social men in their 30s who most likely can’t get real girlfriends and thus indulge in the cuteness and sweetness of the female characters. Trust me...some scenes are really just fan service. However, given how complex and diversified anime can be; there are so many underlying themes and characteristics that even within one particular series, it wouldn't be surprising to find fans beyond the original target audience.

So what is this series that I am talking about? Its クラナド or Clannad and the sequel Clannad~ After Story. This anime has everything: drama, comedy and romance all harmoniously put together to create one amazing piece of art. This anime was beautiful in every sense of the word, starting with the character designs. The hair designs had a sheer feel and reacted with the winds passing through it. This effect together with the use of highlights created more realism and I especially love how the hair gently floats up when the character is happy. This is in stark comparison to typical anime hair designs that stay fixed right through a high-tension battle scene as though the character had used an entire bottle of super hard hair wax. Although I did not fancy the cockroach-like antennas on the female lead, the male lead had slightly longish bangs and an overall devil-may-care feel which worked well for me. While its not uncommon for anime characters to have overly large eyes, in this case the use of highlights and an overall glossy feel made them almost glitter. I love how they use reflections within the eyes,there was this scene where the male lead was reflected within the female lead's eyes, as if saying "I've only got eyes for you." Awwwww~

The background scenes-from the streets, to the school rooms, to the shots of the sky during the day, afternoon, and night-are good use of pastels and colors to give a realistic feel to the mood of the story. There is a too bright..almost misty overcoat of sorts that gave this somewhat dreamlike effect. The artwork was no doubt impressive but sometimes, it appeared as though the animators had ran out of budget cos' all you got to see were blurry distant shots.

The entire story is broken into 2 seasons:School Life and After Story. In the first season, the writers chose to write the sub-characters arc as subplots supporting the main characters' budding romance. This was a choice move as it resulted in superb pacing and encourages viewers to make emotional investments in the 2 main characters which would serve well in the later season where all the drama was concentrated. It was a long way and honestly sometimes i did wish they would just get on with it but I realised its precisely cos the story took its time to progress so much so that along the way, the viewers get to see how the leads slowly turn towards each other and those brief moments where the emotions are apparent become so much sweeter.

The second season takes us through graduation and 10 years later into their lives. The first half of the second season did not cut it for me, as it absolutely did nothing to contribute to the larger narrative. I was bored to be honest. However the later half did redeem itself as the side characters drop off and the focus returns to the main couple. It is noteworthy that the exceptional pathos utilized within the story would not have worked as perfectly as it did if the first season had not focused on the relatively halcyon days of the schooling life of the cast. I had my doubts about the revival of the female lead, afterall that would mean undoing all the dramatic effects of a character dying. However cos I had so much emotional investment in the couple, I could not wish for anything other than their happiness.

I must say, I have yet to see such a well developed male lead in an anime series. He started out as a cynical boy who speaks his mind albeit harshly. I found it rather amusing how he lets lies flow out without so much of batting his eyelids. I've always enjoyed this type of humour more. However as the story develops. through interactions with the cast and of cos the female lead, you watch him slowly change and mature. This was consistent with the underlying theme of change as well.

On one of the many sites discussing this anime, someone got this quote by Philip Pullman:

“The sharing of stories takes time, but it is worth the wait, worth the meandering, worth the stuttering and stumbling and the struggle to find the right words. Thou shalt not is soon forgotten, but once upon a time lasts forever.”

It was slow-paced no doubt but I believe that the emotional buildup served its purpose and while though the ending was somewhat ambiguous for someone like me who is not familiar with the original visual novel. I still would not have wanted a different ending. Overall, this was a very well written story which kept true to its themes with highly commendable character development.

もし宜しければ, あなたをつれてしましょか.
この町の願いが叶う場所に...
If you wish, would you like me to take you?
To a place in this city where wishes come true.